What Happens Next: Episode Two, or White People Have Sex, Make It Stop.
Aaaaaand we’re back. Two planks of wood have decided to make a podcast and I’ve decided to sacrifice it all and listen.
It is unbelievable to think that Bryce had a job in radio because these two together have the charisma of a bag of frozen peas. They announce that this podcast episode will be about “bad habits” they have. Melissa claims she has zero bad habits. I’d say her taste in men is one glaringly bad habit but what would I know? Bryce says he has a “weird little thing with my body” and I wait with bated breath for him to announce that in the crotch region he is merely a Ken doll, where genitals should be he is smooth and plastic to reflect his personality but then he just says he has a “click”. I decide to paint a section of my wall and watch it dry just to spice up the episode a bit more.
Bryce and Melissa are recording this episode from Darwin! I hope he gets bit by a crocodile, lol just kidding (kind of). They talk about the heat for no jokes about 5 minutes. I’ve just listened to a couple discuss the weather for five minutes. They small talk the way that I would a new colleague when I’m waiting to use the microwave in the office kitchen — for two people who supposedly have a lot of sex they have the chemistry of two rocks. The conversation begins to peak when they, and I say this not in jest, discuss how 3am is early to wake up. Melissa says it’s hard to wake up at 3am like this is new information for literally anyone. It’s incredible to get both so entertained and have a science lesson at the same time with this podcast. Bec should’ve ended up with Bryce because the banter is off the charts.
They talk about Discovery nightclub and how they had a huge night out there. We’re aware, Bryce. The photo of you in a ballpit is now my sleep paralysis demon and I’ll be suing you for emotional damages. He says that he’s warned Cam and Jason about how large their night will be when they do their nightclub appearance and I send out a message to all the girls of Darwin to don chastity belts for that night and stay in doors just to be safe.
Bryce clumsily segues into some audio he got of Melissa in bed. I notice that I instinctively crossed my legs when they talk about getting into bed. Bryce says that he has nicknamed Melissa “the chirpy chipmunk” and if this is the new terms of endearment I would like to unsubscribe please. He plays the audio. It is just two people laughing in bed. I…………….. what? There are genuinely no words I can find in the English language that would describe how boring this is. I would rather sit through the post-socialist mostly silent 8 hour Hungarian film Satantango than endure five minutes with these two. If laughing in bed is noteworthy in their relationship than this is more dire than I even thought and trust me I thought this was dire already. I wanted some behind-the-scenes juicy details or at least something about Bryce’s plastic fake body that reveals he is actually a simulation and this whole thing is revealed that Bryce was created in Elon Musk’s basement as an experiment.
Melissa reveals Bryce doesn’t like his feet being tickled, wow what character development. What an incredible and unique personality trait. They then reveal that they’re quirky and weird — they both have a preferred side of the bed. I think they started talking in the Sims language Simlish because whatever they’re saying goes in one ear and out the other, I don’t understand what’s going on.
A workman just turned up to my house and I’m so embarrassed to be listening to this trainwreck that I put headphones on.
They start talking about ‘man-flu’, an outdated term that allows men to wallow in their illnesses more than their female counterparts. The thought of a stuffed up and sick Bryce meandering around the house whinging about being sick sent genuine shivers down my spine. Bryce says men get more sick than women and I pay him for yet another incredible lesson in science. Melissa says that she assumes all women deal with men like Bryce and I want to send to her my theory that Bryce is a simulation and not a real life person. Bryce bitches that his last partners were whingers when they were sick, and as a way to get back at them he would fuck other people. Okay he didn’t say the last part but I read between the lines.
Bryce plays some audio of his “weird click”. Bryce claims it’s arthritis and Melissa says the only good thing she’s ever said and told him it’s because he’s unemployed and sits around all day he’s becoming weak. Holy shit. Maybe this whole thing is the long game and Melissa is slowly weakening him to get revenge — YES, LISS. Weaken the man! Oh, wait, she just said she loves him. I slowly retreat from my position of standing on my kitchen table fist pumping and sit down with my head in my hands. We were so close.
Melissa says a deal breaker would be if Bryce started cracking his knuckles. Incredible to learn that a deal breaker wasn’t when Bryce bought a plant for another girlfriend and said that she wasn’t hot enough to hit on in a bar but cracking knuckles is truly abhorrent behaviour.
They talk about living together. I just realised that I can both listen to a podcast and call my sister at the same time because when I come back to it they’re still talking about living together. These two are so unremarkable I couldn’t pick them in a lineup. They’re the picture that comes in the photo frame when you buy one from Kmart, you don’t notice them and promptly chuck it in the bin.
Melissa has compiled a list of Bryce’s bad habits and hey great minds Liss — I have to! I will list all the bad habits that Liss and I have put together and you can decide if it was one from me or one from her:
- Gaslighting
- Burning the tea towels
- Telling women that condoms make him soft but don’t worry he’s been tested
- Dressing like he’s going to watch The Presets and it’s 2007
- He spends too long in the bathroom
- He’s particular with his hair
- His lack of integrity and honesty
- He irons too much
- He’s easy to confuse with a wet cardboard box because both have the same sense of humour
- He cums in 30 seconds and then rolls over.
They keep talking and in my head circus music starts playing because I feel like an absolute clown for sitting through it. Bryce starts saying that Melissa washes the dishes wrong. I am sitting here and listening to two people discuss if you wash the soap off the dishes. What happened in my life to lead to this exact moment? I am so bored that I am literally having an existential crisis.
Next episode they’re having Jason on it. I once described Jason as being “the most boring person on the planet” so next week I’ll be dropping acid before my recap just to feel something.
